it's unfortunate how little i post on LJ anymore..
but i work so much now i barely do anything anymore..

hopefully this summer i can catch up a bit..

the photos have become either before, or after i met you.

and after i met you, looking at myself became looking at myself pretending
i was you looking at me and falling in love.

and now my clothes are the clothes i've worn around you, or clothes you've never seen me in.

and all the places i took you are now the places we've been.

i can't help but feel that i am waiting for something.
i'm just not sure what in the world it is.

i feel like i'm running out of patience..
but i'm not even sure why i should have some in the first place.


i'm getting very tired of mangled sleep patterns.
i'm getting tired of not having anyone to talk to.
i feel like i'm being pulled in 3 different directions, with no clue as to what's even pulling me.

i'm going through a confusing time. i've been thinking too much, talking too little and writing too sporadically.

i've made changes in my appearance that i would never have had the guts to do before, but now i feel like i'm worse off with them.

i haven't felt 'ugly' in a long time, but i've been doing a damn good job of making myself feel it.

i guess the whole point of this is that i seem to have no point lately.
i have nothing motivating me, i feel like i'm in limbo.
i would say that i feel numb almost.
but that would be quite a lie, as i can still feel every stab and every smile that comes (fleetingly) into my day.

i think my problem is that i am numb to the grey areas of my emotions right now.
i feel terrible hurt and sadness, extreme happiness or excessive anger, but nothing else. i don't feel any 'okay'.

i'm going to try to sleep now.. maybe try to organize my thoughts.
and tonight i'm going to try to fix this mess i've made myself into.

i've been giving up on people too easily. if they don't call, if they don't try - then i don't. it's not fair to lay the blame on them when i'm just as much at fault. i've got alot of resentment for old friends - for letting me go without a fight. i just want someone to call and say 'i miss you, how are you?' i just want to call someone and say 'i miss you, i'm sorry'. i want to be brave enough to stay in one place.

it's been 3 weeks.

and i don't feel ANY better.
if anything, i feel worse, i miss him more..

with everyone else, with all the guys before.. i always knew, always had that feeling that something... someone better.. was just around the corner. that i was going to find someone better for me.

and i always did, i climbed up the ladder per say.

now i just feel empty. i feel like i reached the top and the only place to go now is back down..

he's been very rude lately, to me and most of his other friends.

and i feel bad, he sounds unhappy, and i hate it. even though he broke my heart, even though he continues to do so.
it breaks my heart even more that he isn't happy.
that's all i want for him, he deserves it..
i think.

i just want him to be happy, and i really don't think that he is without me.
or maybe i'm just retardedly delusional by now.

i just really don't know.
not a day goes by that doesn't just hurt.
everyone keeps telling me that it'll be better, that it will get better.

and i'm really not feeling it. i'm not feeling any better... not even a bit.

i hate to be such a downer, but i'm really not sure who else to talk to about this. which is unfortunate that my only outlets are livejournal and tumblr.
but all of my friends are his friends, and of the male gender, they were sick of this breakup after the first conversation.. haha.

i've been trying to keep myself busy, i've watched more movies the past couple weeks then i did all last year.
i just keep hoping that it can only get better from here.

 

i never thought that watching an action movie could bring me to tears, but it did.

james bond was using some sort of machine gun, i tried to think of a possible name, maybe the amount of ammo it could hold, i knew you would know.. and i knew i never would.

it sounds like the most stupid thing ever, but i miss these things i never ever thought i would.


i miss you calling out when the gun was (supposed to be) out of bullets and i miss when you had your silly ideas for your car.

i miss big things, like kisses and cuddles and sex.

and i miss your eyes, oh do i miss them, when they lit up.. they always did when you had an idea.

i miss your smile, and how i could tell just by looking at it weather or not you were thinking something weird.

i miss your laugh, and how it would get deeper the longer you laughed for.

i miss how you smelled when you finished working in the garage and how even though i never let it on, i loved how much you loved cars.

i miss you constantly saying 'read this book/comic, it's just like me and kelly'

and i miss you trying to tickle me..

i even miss you getting so excited about knives and guns just because of the childlike excitement you would get in your eyes.

what i wouldn't do to see you smile because of me again,  to kiss the underside of my nose or my forehead, just because.


my mind knows that it is over, my heart, not so much.

it still feels like this is more, like this isn't it.. like you're more, like this deserves more.

and i'm not really sure if that's real, or just real delusion.
i just don't know.

.. limbo.